This is the first of three newsletter articles on all things feedback. The next two articles will be out on Thursday and the following Monday. Throughout this essay, I will use the word “feedback”. Unless stated, I will use it to mean critical feedback. For positive feedback, I will use the words “praise” “support” or “encouragement”.
My Obsession With Feedback
I used to love doing Muay Thai, Thai kickboxing, but an old reoccurring jaw injury means I can’t do it anymore. I love being pushed to my limits every day both mentally and physically. I loved training in a group where everyone was pushing themselves and each other. But one of the things I loved most was getting punched in the face.
There aren’t many times in life when you get instant useful feedback for errors. Muay Thai provides exactly that. Drop your guard, you get punched in the face. Get sloppy with an attack and the other person will counter and might kick you in the head. Feel sorry for yourself and want a break, the opponent doesn’t care and will punch you in the face.
Unsurprisingly, you stop making stupid mistakes quickly.
It was painful but I knew the feedback my opponent gave me was for my own good. And I was expected to give the same painful feedback to my opponent. Everyone is better off.
Imagine how quickly you’d learn everything if you got continuous and immediate feedback (punishment) for mistakes you make.
But dosage is crucial.
My coach used to say “Wake up, don’t shake them” – hit the punchee (not sure what the right term here was – the assaulted, the idiot who doesn’t protect himself, punching bag with legs) hard enough to get their attention but not so hard you wobble them.
Feedback was painful and never lasted more than a few seconds. Physically anyway. The receiver’s ego could be in pain for a lot longer.
I know my desire with getting feedback isn’t normal. I once sent a survey to my family and friends that asked them 4 questions: what are my strengths? What triggers my strength? What are my weaknesses? What triggers my weakness? I got these questions from a guest on the Tim Ferris podcast but I can’t remember who. Importantly, the answers were anonymous.
I did what every normal person would do when they get the results, ignore the strengths and go straight to the weaknesses. And try to work out which backstabbing arsehole wrote it.
For those interested, my weaknesses were all related to my communication skills. Anyone who has spent a small amount of time with me would be able to tell you that. But the feedback was a good confirmation of what I needed to work on and allowed me to know exactly where I needed to focus. I have got better since then but I still need to improve.
Improvements would be quicker if we got more and better feedback. We should be on the hunt for it no matter how painful.
So I have a request, if you ever see an improvement I can make, online or in person, please throw me a jab and let me know.
You probably should have seen that request coming if you read the passage above properly.
Giving Feedback
Though we should actively go looking for feedback, we need to be more careful when we give it out especially if it involves physical feedback. If you see a small child in the park throwing a ball, sure, punching him in the face every time he misses throws would help him learn quicker but it may not be the best way to do it.
If you do, you’ll probably also get some feedback on your behaviour in the form of prison time. But I’m guessing you’ll learn quickly as well.
When I first published this newsletter edition, it contained too many different ideas which made it unclear. So I have cut over 1,100 words from the original article. The deleted sections will be or have already been shared separately.
Part 2 of All Things Feedback, can be found here and it looks at how you can become better at giving feedback.
Wow, what a pleasant surprise to see your appreciative words here Mak. I see this authoring/commenting dance as a mutually beneficial thing. As a speaker I get paid to ask questions and then listen to a corporate executive team talk about challenges within their organization. My job as a speaker is to help frame a way of relating to those challenges that gets energy and movement flowing again. In short, to find the ember of possibility in a circumstance or struggle and breathe life into it. I find reading and commenting on articles to be a great practice playground for doing that. I'm never really asking the question of whether I agree or disagree with an author, an essay, or even a paragraph. I'm just looking for an opening for a conversation that I'm interested in having, and then I speak/write into that space. It can be just a few words or a phrase, and if I'm listening with body awareness I'll notice something wake up inside of me when I see that opening, and then I explore it. So I appreciate your characterization of my commenting as mastery, but it's honestly more self-serving than that. I just want to have exchanges with others that interest me, so I look for those interesting parts and then that engages me. And you've consistently produced some unique ideas and perspectives that I find it valuable to consider and riff off of. So hooray for that. I think there are about 50 or 60 substacks I read and try to respond to. It's fun, but I probably can't keep it up forever. I need to make sure I'm also writing my own pieces, which have now taken a backseat to the commenting habit. So if I miss some of your posts, its not because I'm less interested in them! I trust you'll carry on. You have a unique voice and eye on the world. By the way, I just launched my third substack, Pivot to the Podium, as I want to give some energy to helping anyone who wants to be more effective at public speaking. I hope you don't me sharing that here. https://pivottothepodium.substack.com/ cheers mate
Beautifully written article, Mak! I love its conversational tone. It feels like I'm talking with you, my dear friend.
There is such visual specificity in the phrases you choose and how you describe your thoughts and insights. I also loved the analogy between writing and Muay Thai. Thinking of you doing your Thai kickboxing will help me visualize the value of writing feedback.
One person told me this: If you make it your mission to strengthen your weaknesses, you'll become a generalist. But when you aim to strengthen your strengths, they become your super strengths. That is where you become a specialist and that is how you identify your unique value.
Keep writing, Mak. Keep strengthening those lovely strengths of yours. :) :)